Bullies in the Playground, Boardroom, and Inbox: Why We Need to Talk About It.

nivsdhadphale
May 31
9 min read

The uncomfortable truth: school bullies grow up. They merely trade playground politics for office gossip and manipulation. Team building is the antithesis of what a bully wants.

Bullying is a global problem; a scourge that needs to be challenged! From school playgrounds, it nonchalantly strolls into our homes, our places of work, and even boardrooms. Now…. add a sprinkle of innovation and it has permission to uninterruptedly seep into personal spaces - group chats, inboxes and social media feeds. Bullies have no boundaries! And the target….. team players, those with good communication styles, honesty and kindness. In this blog, I consider intimidation through a psychological and neuroscientific lens to shed light on the cunning tactics and destructive effects of bullying. Hopefully through psycho-education we can recognise it sooner and respond more confidently. Only then can we protect ourselves and others from its soul crushing damage.

Bullying: a rite of passage or a red flag?

Bullying is a serious public health issue, not just playground politics. Bullies want control. Their victims are often unable to rid themselves of the intrusive tentacles of manipulation. The devastating consequences can last a lifetime. Statistics show that 1 in 5 students in the United States experience bullying at school. People might brush it off as “kids being kids” or “part of growing up”, but society must do better. Evidence indicates that bullying can lead to the victim suffering a cycle of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and in more heartrending cases attempted suicide or completed suicide. Bullying has been defined as repeated aggressive behaviour with a real or perceived power imbalance that has lasting biological and psychological effects. Not just fists and harsh words, bullying extends to exclusion, ongoing criticism or a steady stream of “jokes” that chip away at an individual’s self-worth.

Trading the Playground for the office: when bullies grow-up.

Have you heard the phrases - “this is my playground” or “convince him/her and they will go for it”? Well, that tells you everything you need know about someone. Within an organisation, aggressors learn to use more sophisticated tactics, but with the same intention: to exploit their power to intimidate and control! The tension they want to create is not accidental. It is calculated! They craftily create a hostile environment to apply their injustice. By assigning unfair workloads, withholding resources and pulling strings behind the scenes, they skilfully influence decision makers. They position themselves as indispensable. Everyone else is viewed as easily replaceable. And who are their targets? Usually the team players, the communicators and collaborative colleagues. Why may you ask? Because divide and conquer is their fuel for survival. Clinical psychologists explain, bullies need a divided workforce to survive; otherwise, how could they continue whispering accusatory tales that cast them as the hero? According to Forbes, workplace bullying affects almost 30% of employees in the US, 46-55% in India and 17% in Germany. It is not always loud, most often it shows up as:

Gossip or character assassination
Micromanagement or excluding individuals from decision-making.
Passive-aggressive remarks
Gaslighting
Unfair workloads (too much or frozen out completely)

Basically, bullies engage in activities that erodes another person’s dignity and sense of self such as isolation, aggression, intrusion, minimisation, intimidation and constant criticism. It can even destroy a person’s career, leading the victim to question their value and their right to be part of anything.

The Psychology of a Bully

But what is the psychology of a bully? Let’s face it, they don't always shout or slam doors. Most are clever, composed and charismatic. And in that charm lies treachery and self-serving arrogance. That mask of good behaviour is precisely what earns them trust and exactly what makes them dangerous. People trust them and might blindly repeat their inaccurate narratives of others to key decision makers or gate keepers in an organisation. These bullies exhibit narcissistic traits and psychopathic tendencies. On the surface they are confident and capable, but underneath they wallow in illusions of grandiosity, entitlement and a striking lack of empathy. They zoom in on conscientious, non-confrontational peopleespecially those who have people pleasing tendencies or what psychology describes as subjugation schema. In short, individuals who prioritise harmony over their own needs to avoid conflict. Their tactic? Chronic criticism, exclusion and deliberately undermining the abilities of their target. Eventually these actions expose their devious personality, but they might have successfully executed a smear campaign by then. In many cases the victims might not have noticed that they are being sabotaged until the damage is done.

At that point, the cost is high: a lost job, ruined reputation, spiralling stress, or a wounded sense of confidence. Forcing, victims to step back or just walk away.

Bullying Through a Psychological Lens.

To get a better understanding of the bully and the consequences of their activities; it helps to consider them through a psychological lens. There are many theories that offer an insight into the mind of a bully, how the bullied respond, why some environments are more conducive and how people minimise the bully’s conduct and the victim’s perspective. Here are a few that I found insightful:

Social Learning Theory (Bandura): People often learn behaviour by observing others, particularly when that behaviour is rewarded or goes unchallenged. So, if a bully is not held accountable, the message for everyone is that their behaviour is acceptable. Their bullying ways might even become normalised.
- Minimising: “that’s just how things work around here. You’ll get used to it”.
Learned Helplessness (Seligman): prolonged exposure to bullying can lead to a state of vulnerability. Victims begin to feel nothing will change, and they stop trying. Many will withdraw or become emotionally numb. Others might just “shut down” in a desperate attempt to cope.
- Minimising: “why are you still upset? Just keep your head down”.
Organizational Justice Theory (Greenberg): morale and mental health can be damaged if it is applied selectively in a workplace or if leadership turns a blind eye. If people feel there is bias or inconsistency, trust in the workplace will erode.
- Minimising: “it’s not personal, it’s just how they are”.
SCARF Model (Rock): This model suggests that bullying threatens all five core social needs: status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness and fairness. Obviously, a lack of these can result in stress and disengagement.
- Minimising: “try not to make waves – it’s just not worth the trouble”.
Social Dominance Theory (Sidanius & Pratto) suggests that bullying is not only personal but also a technique of maintaining control over others. Some people are driven to maintain social hierarchies. So, bullying becomes an action of the manifestation of that motivation.
- Minimising: “some people just know how to take charge. Maybe you’re not cut out for this place”

The Neuroscience of Bullying

Addressing this appalling behaviour is vital because aside from hurting people, it changes our brain. Research has found that bullying impacts key brain regions involved in emotional regulation, cognition, memory and learning. Bullying rewires the brain not for growth but for survival. This is why, even years later people react to normal situations with fear, mistrust or distress. The brain is not overreacting - it is remembering! To gain a deeper understanding, below is a breakdown of the main brain systems affected by being bullied:

Amygdala (emotional processing)
This area helps detect danger. When suffering from chronic stress, it becomes hyperactive making the individual sensitive to social cues and on edge (tearful or anxious) as if waiting for the next attack.
Prefrontal cortex (Decision making and emotions regulation)
This part of the brain is responsible for reason, strategy, focus and self-control. But its effectiveness weakens, and the individual easily feels overwhelmed. As a result, they have difficulty making decisions and become more impulsive.
Hippocampus (Memory and Learning)
This is responsible for memory and learning. Under chronic stress it is prone to shrinking. This results in difficulty in concentration, retaining information or learning effectively.
Hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) Axis Disruption
The HPA is a stress regulating system. It’s response to bullying can cause it to go into overdrive or burn out. The results can cause mood swings, sleep disturbances and impact the immune system.

All of these are serious issues that need intervention. But there’s more…. bullying also

disrupts the balance of neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) in the brain:

Cortisol is the primary stress hormone: If levels remain elevated because the body is in constant alert, over time, this will affect the organs and mental health.
Serotonin: levels can become depleted under stress, resulting in depression or anxiety.
Dopamine: levels might reduce, resulting in a lack of motivation and reward response making the person feel flat or disengaged.
Oxytocin: is the bonding hormone. If social rejection is repeated the levels decrease making it difficult to trust or feel connected with other people.

The cruel twist is that these neurobiological changes affect the person’s disposition. So, the victim may appear overwhelmed, anxious and emotionally unregulated while the bully is composed. So, the bully has masterfully painted a portrait of an “fumbling, clumsy” colleague. Bullying must never be excused because it leaves behind neurological fingerprints, and it can change the trajectory of a person’s life.

Bullying isn’t just “mean behaviour”. It is a form of repeated social trauma that affects the entire brain-body system. It changes how we think, feel, connect, and even how we respond to the world.

The Transactional Model of Stress and Coping (Lazarus and Folkman)

According to this model, how people respond to bullying depends on their personality, life experience and how they assess a situation. So firstly, the person makes a Primary Appraisal – where they assess if the situation is a threat, a challenge or harmful. This is followed by a Secondary Appraisal where they consider if they have the resources to cope. This means, if the person identifies the behaviour as intimidating but they feel that they lack support, power, or an escape route, their stress increases. They might feel powerless, isolated or humiliated. The Transactional Model of Stress and Coping powerfully highlights that the environment matters. If a workplace doesn’t offer that sense of security or support, bullying is not just stressful, it is traumatic.

Inter-relational Bullying

Family bullying is a highly sensitive issue and often silenced. It might be brushed off as “harmless family drama” but the effects remain hidden and linger. The impact conditions to minimise conflict, doubt their perceptions or prioritise keeping the peace. The patterns that are shaped in early life. Thus, it makes it harder for the victim of family bullying to recognise abuse when it is more subtle or in a professional form. Within the family unit, bullies demonstrate behaviours such as:

Repeated criticism or emotional invalidation
Guilt tripping or passive-aggressive manipulation
Unequal power dynamics between siblings or parents and children.

The impact can last a lifetime. Victims might grow up with low self-worth, struggle with boundaries and even emotional confusion. These experiences shape how individuals navigate trust, conflict and vulnerability in all areas of their lives.

Why is it hard to fix?

Harold Garfinkel described a process known as the degradation ceremony, where an individual’s character is deliberately tarnished by those who feel threatened by them. The target is often someone new, talented, or unwilling to conform and usually someone who, simply by being competent or different, disrupts the status quo. The bully may use gossip, exclusion, or public shaming to isolate and silence their target. The aim is not just to damage their credibility, but to strip away their voice and to make it easier to question their value, and harder for them to fight back. Jennifer Freyd identified the DARVO tactic where the offender:

Denies the behaviour,
Attacks the person speaking up and
Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender

In essence the bully becomes the victim, and the victim or whistle blower is seen as the problem. Although confusing and manipulative it is highly effective. This explains why some people do not speak up for fear of being ostracised, isolated or losing their job.

A Final Word: What We Tolerate, We Encourage

Bullying is heinous behaviour. It can be loud or subtle. It befriends us, just to destroy us. Hidden in silence, bureaucracy or charisma by friends, family and colleagues. But all with the same message: you do not belong here.

However, everyone’s boundaries matter, regardless of our role within a family, workplace or school. We are allowed to expect a safe environment. One in which we are treated with kindness and fairness, by people and the system under which we live. Bullying has the potency and suppleness to seep into our souls. Unlike harassment, it is not illegal. But it is immoral and harmful. Afterall, bullying is capable of silently and efficiently destroying confidence, careers and families. Recent neuroscience suggests that bullies even experience a sense of pleasure when witnessing distress in others! Thus, reinforcing just how emotionally detached and dangerous their behaviours are.

Ignoring or excusing can institutionalise this outrageous behaviour. Bullying is a learned abuse of power. It must be controlled and held accountable. Awareness is key. We must learn to recognise the patterns and acknowledge the impact. We must call it out it!

Only then can we shift the narrative.
Only then can we stop excusing harmful behaviour.
Only then can we stop rewarding manipulation.
Only then can we protect people’s dignity.

NivsD (Saturday 31st May 2025)

Bullies in the Playground, Boardroom, and Inbox: Why We Need to Talk About It.

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