Not Perfect, Just Present: The Real Magic of Parenting

nivsdhadphale
Apr 20
5 min read

In a world full of noise and distractions, your calm presence is the only superpower your child really needs.

Little people are tiny, noisy bundles of joyful. I don’t think we grasp the sacrifices our parents and, in particular, our mothers silently make. While we were busy gurgling and hurling mashed potatoes across the room, they were out there orchestrating miracles with little sleep and cold coffee. No manual. No training montage. Just pure, unfiltered devotion to raising secure, happy children. Young, inexperienced mothers somehow fumble through feeding, tantrums and bedtime negotiations that would put world leaders to shame. How do they do it! But did you know that every time you lock eyes with your child, you are literally shaping their brain? It has a lifelong effect. (No pressure). And the twist: children do not expect perfection. Not even close! They just need YOU! This blog takes a closer look at how babies build emotional bonds with their caregivers (yes, even when you feel like you have no idea what you’re doing). It’s all about attachment - what it is, why it matters, and the simple power of your presence.

In 1969, a British psychoanalyst John Bowly argued that the blueprint for the emotional development of a child rested firmly in the relationship between a child and his/her mother. His attachment theory suggested that love is a biological need just like food and shelter.

A few years later, along came Mary Ainsworth and supported Bowlby’s theories. She conducted a series of experiments - Strange Situation experiment - that involved separating and reuniting children with their mothers. Through this research she was able to identify secure, insecure-avoidant and insecure-resistant attachment styles. Later in the 1980s disorganised attachment style was included by Main and Solomon. Between them, the scientists found that children with secure attachments tended to be more confident, better at calming themselves, and more likely to seek comfort when they needed it. In contrast, kids with insecure attachments often swung between being overly clingy and seeming distant or detached. At this point we already knew that baby monkeys preferred soft, comforting mothers over those that merely provided food. I struggle with Harry Harlow’s experiments on rhesus monkeys back in the late '50s and early '60s which are really hard to stomach. But as uncomfortable as they are, they did reveal something profound: love and comfort aren’t luxuries for babies - they’re essential needs.

Fast forward to 2011 and Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson published “The Whole Brain Child” which brought cutting edge research in neuroscience and child psychology to support parents in understanding the development of a child’s brain and how to use this important knowledge to guide parenting.

For example:

Integration – Siegel and Bryson talk about a well-functioning or “integrated” brain - where the left and right hemispheres, and even the upper and lower parts of the brain, work together harmoniously. During a meltdown, a child can experience dis-integration - a kind of inner chaos or fear. In those moments, it’s the caregiver’s role to help restore balance by gently supporting the child and guiding them back to a place where all parts of the brain can reconnect and work together.
Connection before correction – children are more open to problem-solving and learning if they feel emotionally connected. So, the next time a child is having a tantrum, rather than jumping straight to discipline, the scientists suggest, pause to connect. Help them name what they’re feeling and offer comfort first. By activating the brain’s social and emotional circuits you can create a sense of safety for the child.
The Two-Story Brain – One of their best metaphors! The “downstairs brain” controls basic survival instincts like fight, flight, or freeze, while the “upstairs brain” is home to empathy, planning, and logic. During stress, kids often get “stuck downstairs” - and the goal isn’t to push them, but to gently guide them back “upstairs” with calm, supportive responses.

Out of the 12 Whole-Brain Strategies, a few favourites that I think are especially useful:

Name it to tame it – Telling the story of what happened helps children process big emotions. It turns chaos into something they can understand.
Engage, don’t enrage – Instead of triggering the downstairs brain, try to speak in a way that engages their upstairs brain - calm tones, curiosity, connection.
Use the right to connect, then redirect – This means lead with emotional attunement (right brain to right brain), then offer logical guidance once your child feels safe and seen.

So, Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson’s book encourages emotional responsive caregiving in moments of upheaval which reinforces secure attachment. In this way, children know they are being seen and heard and feel safe even when they are overwhelmed. Any challenging behaviour is considered a developmental opportunity. Perspectives that were developed in the 2010s and 2020s share some common themes such as 1) emphasising co-regulation, 2) safety is biological and not only emotional, and 3) behaviour is communication.

But like all good ideas, attachment theory has evolved. For example, Heidi Keller challenged Ainsworth’s categories as being culturally biased and urged us to broaden our lens when assessing what secure looks like around the world. In Western cultures, attachment models often emphasize independence and self-reliance. However, this doesn’t hold true in collectivist societies, where emotional closeness, co-sleeping, and physical proximity are common and are not viewed as signs of over-dependence.

At the heart of Mary Dozier’s “Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-up (ABC)” program, shows that even children in tough situations can build secure attachments when they’re met with consistent, responsive care.Let’s be honest - no parent gets it right all the time. Even with the best intentions, like everyone else, parents lose their temper and miss cues. And that’s okay! What really counts is coming back from those moments - with warmth, honesty, and a willingness to listen. That repair is powerful and can strengthen the bond more than never messing up at all.

So, dear parents - resilience doesn’t grow from grand gestures, but from the little things. Every cuddle, every moment you stop to wonder what your child is feeling, every time you come back after a tough day - it all matters. Attachment theory isn’t about perfect parenting. It’s about being there, being human, and showing up with love, again and again. In a world full of noise and distractions, your calm presence is the ONLY superpower your child really needs.

NivsD (20th April 2025)

Not Perfect, Just Present: The Real Magic of Parenting

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